the weight of it all...

I had a moment last night.  

I'm usually totally fine.  Like I just want to get this whole thing over with and move on.  

But last night...I was putting Charlotte to bed. The sweetest baby girl in the whole world. She was completely out on my shoulder.  Except she won't completely give it up and lay her head down, she has to sort of hold it up a little so you can see her entire perfect face.   

 

It's overwhelming sometimes to think about the fact I've had cancer twice at 30 years old.  All of the scariest thoughts completely took over and I could hardly stand it.  I just stood there by her crib holding her and crying...because of everything and nothing at all. 

Nothing in the whole world matters more than my sweet girls.  I just want to still be here in 20 years.  And sweet Elise... her sweet little voice has never actually said the word "cancer".  But her little toys have neck surgery that makes them "all better in only two days!" where she uses surgical tape to bandage them up.  She doesn't know what it all means. 

We're leaving tomorrow for the Mayo Clinic.   We're packed and ready.  Our girls will be very well taken care of and loved while we're gone.  We're so incredibly lucky to have the most wonderful parents in the whole world to care for them.  It just makes me sad that I won't be there to kiss them goodnight.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your Facebook comments, cards, and prayers these last couple weeks.  I've seen them all and read them all but haven't been able to respond to them all.  So thank you, everyone.

I'm going to be fine.  I know that. 

We will keep the blog updated while were gone.