the weight of it all...

I had a moment last night.  

I'm usually totally fine.  Like I just want to get this whole thing over with and move on.  

But last night...I was putting Charlotte to bed. The sweetest baby girl in the whole world. She was completely out on my shoulder.  Except she won't completely give it up and lay her head down, she has to sort of hold it up a little so you can see her entire perfect face.   

 

It's overwhelming sometimes to think about the fact I've had cancer twice at 30 years old.  All of the scariest thoughts completely took over and I could hardly stand it.  I just stood there by her crib holding her and crying...because of everything and nothing at all. 

Nothing in the whole world matters more than my sweet girls.  I just want to still be here in 20 years.  And sweet Elise... her sweet little voice has never actually said the word "cancer".  But her little toys have neck surgery that makes them "all better in only two days!" where she uses surgical tape to bandage them up.  She doesn't know what it all means. 

We're leaving tomorrow for the Mayo Clinic.   We're packed and ready.  Our girls will be very well taken care of and loved while we're gone.  We're so incredibly lucky to have the most wonderful parents in the whole world to care for them.  It just makes me sad that I won't be there to kiss them goodnight.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your Facebook comments, cards, and prayers these last couple weeks.  I've seen them all and read them all but haven't been able to respond to them all.  So thank you, everyone.

I'm going to be fine.  I know that. 

We will keep the blog updated while were gone.

Change of Plans

Well...I just got off the phone with the Mayo Clinic. 

Due to some miscommunication between us, our doctors here, and the Mayo Clinic we have had to push back our appointment and surgery until the next week.  They will not have enough time to re-do the pathology from my previous surgery by Monday morning, which means they cannot schedule the next surgery until the results are back.   

It's a good thing because the Mayo Clinic is doing such a thorough second opinion, but we're disappointed because we were all so mentally ready for this all to happen, and now we just have another week of anxiously waiting.   And we told EVERYONE that this was happening so I kind of feel like a big fat liar.  Plans are being changed by everyone.  Sorry guys. 

So -- this is where we are.  Consultation with the specialist Tuesday the 3rd, and surgery will be either Wednesday or Friday.  For sure this time. 

At least I won't miss the preschool field trip next week.  

So... I have cancer. Again.

Medullary Thyroid Carcinoma to be exact.  Stage 4a.
Google that for a fun read.  

Back in early December I felt a lump on my neck.  I waited a week for it to go down, it didn't, so I got in to see my oncologist who immediately ordered a PET scan.  I had the scan the Monday before Christmas.  Results on Friday the day after Christmas.  Turns out my thyroid lit up pretty brightly on the scan (usually means cancer) and my lymph node was lighting up a little.  Biopsies ordered.  The same day I had a needle biopsy of my lymph node.  We couldn't biopsy the the thyroid at that point because it's too far in your neck to do without ultrasound guidance, so that was schedule for the next week.  Results from both biopsies were inconclusive.  "Puzzled" was the word the doctor used.  The results indicated thyroid cancer but we couldn't be totally sure.  They needed a bigger chunk of tissue.  

Last Tuesday I had surgery to remove my right thyroid and most of the right lymph node.  We finally got the pathology results back and I have a rare thyroid cancer -- medullary thyroid carcinoma.  We are (slightly) relieved it was not recurring Hodgkins lymphoma, as that would require more chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant. The treatment for this particular cancer is more surgery.  And that's probably it.  We may do radiation but that is to be determined.  And regular CT scans to monitor everything.  

We are leaving for the MAYO Clinic in Minnesota on Sunday.  I have an appointment Monday morning with a specialist there.  They will hopefully schedule surgery for Tuesday or Wednesday.   They will remove the other half of my thyroid and any remaining lymph nodes, along with a lot of other tissue in my neck. 

We had some BIG questions when we finally knew what was happening.  

 Was this caused by pregnancy?  I have developed cancer shortly after each pregnancy.  Although neither of these cancers is known to develop after having a baby, my doctor did say that pregnancy suppresses your immune system, so it wasn't working as hard to fight off cancer.   He also said that my Hodgkins and this thyroid cancer weren't related in any way - it's just really bad luck.  I was referred to the Cancer Geneticists at Lemmen-Holten for more testing.   

Today we killed some time at the mall and picked up hard copies of all my medical records to take with us to MAYO.  Little Miss Cutiepants got a special hot chocolate. 

There's a lot happening around here. If you have questions about anything I may have missed I will try and answer them in the comments. 

 At least I don't need more chemo.  Silver lining? 

charlotte {4 months}

This little honey is 4 months old already! 

She has the chubbiest legs ever.

She's a solid 14lbs 10oz and only cried for a minute when she got her shots today.  She's just the most content little thing, but doesn't hardly ever nap longer than 30 minutes.  Something to work on, dear.  

Love you, Sweetheart girl!

I think I stared at this for like 20 minutes.  

sweetie sisters.

a visit with grandma great

We went to go visit Nick's grandma this afternoon.  

Charlotte was super happy to sit by her for awhile.  

Most of these pictures are of the baby because the preschooler does not.stop.moving.   Also Charlotte has found her hands.  And her socks are always folded over weird because otherwise they would cut off circulation to her cankles.   The girl's got some chubby legs.  

They were so cute.  Charlotte was just totally relaxed by Great Grandma. 

That's a 90 year age gap, people.  Pretty cool.  

Oh I did get one of Elise...after she took a break from playing with the chair that goes up and down with the push of button.  

She was playing  "mountain climber".  

So special.